So today is the day that I let myself be honest about myself on here. It’s really for me, not anyone else.
It’s been a crazy year. There’s been good part and bad parts. I’ve felt happier than I’ve ever felt before, a happiness I didn’t think I could ever feel. And I’ve felt lonely and scared. I’ve taken it day by day.
no, i’m not saying perfect exists in this life,
but we’ll only know for certain if we try.
i want to sing a song worth singing,
i’ll write an anthem worth repeating.
i want to feel the transformation,
the melody of reformation.
I’ve tied my worth to my performance. My performance in school, church, writing, music, and even on this little blog. I know I can’t be perfect, but I yearn to be. I want to be remembered. I don’t want to live a normal life. I want to do something that makes the world better.
but the list goes on forever,
of all the ways i could be better, in my mind.
as if i could earn God’s favor given time,
or at least “congratulations”…
But I know I’m not perfect. And I know I never can be perfect. And I don’t know how to say no. I’ve told my friends to say no, I’ve told them that they need to rest and take care of themselves, that they aren’t at fault. But I can’t make myself believe it about me.
now, i have learned my lesson;
the price of this so-called perfection is everything.
i’ve spent my whole life searching desperately
to find out that grace requires nothing of me.
One – Sleeping At Last
Yes, other people should be kind to themselves, but obviously I shouldn’t. I need to do that extra class, have my homework done on time every time, even if it means sacrificing my mental health. I’ve even had teachers come up to me and thank me for turning in every piece of homework on time. And I feel like an okay human because of that. Which is stupid. I’m not a sheet of homework. I’m a human with emotions and needs that come before school and everything else.
such strange uncharted territory- a white flag waves in the dark between my head and my heart. my armor falls apart, as if i could let myself be seen, even deeply known. like i was already brave enough to let go.
Five – Sleeping At Last
I’ve hurt this year. The amount of acting I’ve done this year scares me. I had a panic attack in the bathroom, and when someone came in, I was able to smile and say everything was fine when my heart was pounding, I couldn’t breathe, and my face tingled from lack of oxygen. I’ve been anxious and lonely but able to shrug it away when people ask if I’m okay. I do it in spite of myself. My heart is screaming at me to tell someone that I need help and love. My brain is screaming at me to keep up appearances, that people won’t love me if I’m a mess. My brain screams louder.
On Being Alive
there’s magic in our bones,
a north star in our soul
that remembers our way home.
there’s magic in our bones.
Body – Sleeping At Last
I’ve felt happier than I thought I could ever feel this year. I’ve always been something of a sad soul. My nickname since forever has been Eeyore. (I have baby pictures with my little Eeyore, and I consider them a foreshadowing.) But I’ve ran in fields underneath the stars, I’ve made friends (what, me, a loner?), and I’ve felt whole.
I’ve allowed myself to feel this year. It hasn’t been pretty. But I’m a human with emotions and dreams and worries. And that’s kinda magical.
I’ve been okay this year. I’ve survived another year. And I can do it again.
I don’t really like setting New Year’s resolutions or saying that it’s a “New Year, new me.” That’s stupid (in my opinion.) Life goes day by day. End a chapter whenever you want, don’t wait for a “new” year. Begin a chapter whenever you want.
Tomorrow, it’s a new beginning. But be nice to yourself, okay? The world can be a very large place, but it can be a beautiful place too.
What if we already are
Who we’ve been dying to become
In certain light I can plainly see
A reflection of magnificence
Hidden in you
Maybe even in me
-Four, Sleeping at Last